Carers have to adapt to suit the changing needs of young people as they grow. All families go through ups and downs. Some carers have to deal with the extra challenge of supporting someone who is feeling the negative effects of drug use.

Young people affected by drug use are some of the most vulnerable in our community. Their ‘here and now’ and future are both affected.

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Caring for a young person who is feeling the impact of drug use can include challenges like:

• dealing with trauma or difficult behaviour
• supporting them with learning issues or problems at school
• health problems
• managing conflict, and
• dealing with stigma and judgement (more on this later)

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Dealing with these issues can be very stressful. Feelings of worry, anger or even guilt are common for carers. It is normal and okay to feel these strong feelings.

You must look after yourself while you are looking after others. Be sure to balance your caring responsibilities by reaching out for support when you need it. When you are well, you will be better able to provide support to others who may be struggling.

If you are dealing with any of these issues, there are places that can help

Factors that can affect a young person's wellbeing include:

• a family's lifestyle
• changes to the family's money, home, car, food, or health
• how the young person's parents felt during their own childhood
• where they live (if they live in the city or somewhere more remote)
• stressful events that children may experience during childhood (adverse childhood experiences)

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Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) are stressful events that children may go through during their childhood. The more of these a person experiences, the greater their risk of issues such as:

• chronic disease (problems with their health that last for a long time, or forever)
• mental health issues
• drug use problems

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The main stressful events for children are:

• physical, emotional, or sexual abuse
• physical or emotional neglect
• mental illness
• a parent being treated violently
• parents divorce
• family in prison
• alcohol and other drug problems

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Some other things can have a big impact on children as well:

• death of a carer
• living in out of home care (foster or kinship care)
• being harassed, bullied, or discriminated against
• having a serious health problem
• having a life-threatening illness

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The things we go through as children can shape our chances of using drugs in the future.

Why is it helpful for carers to know and talk about these bad experiences?

Knowing about adverse childhood experiences can help us to provide support that young people need to adapt to their changing lives.

It can also help you to think about why you might feel very stressed or upset in your own caring role.

Hypervigilance means being very alert all the time, even when you don't need to be. You may feel like you are looking for any hidden dangers, either from other people or the things around you. Sometimes these dangers are not real or do not exist.

Trauma means "severe and lasting emotional shock and pain caused by an extremely upsetting experience". You can have trauma based on things that happened in your own life, but carers can also experience vicarious trauma. This is when someone helping another person with trauma starts to experience trauma themselves.

This is a normal response to being exposed to other people’s trauma. It is common for people who support others who are dealing with trauma to feel traumatised themselves. This “snowball” effect may have an impact on you and other aspects of your life.

One of the best ways to help someone else is to take care of yourself first. When you feel mentally and physically strong, you are better able to provide care to others.

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Follow the safety instructions

Every flight attendant says before take-off, “put your own oxygen mask on before you help others". This is because helping others before you help yourself could put you in danger.

Unless you are safe and okay, you can’t help others. This is the perfect example for how we should try to support young people.

There are a number of pressures in your caring role that may affect how you feel.

 Be aware of things like:

• your own stress levels and how you manage them
• how you feel, and how your feelings can effect how you respond to things
• what measures you take to look after your own health

There will be plenty of times in your caring role when you need to seek support. This will help you to understand your own reactions. It will also allow you to ask for advice about how to manage them in the best ways.

Your wellbeing matters

So far, we’ve talked about the issues of caring for someone else. The aeroplane example reminds us why we should be looking after ourselves. But how well do we do this when we are caring for others? When it comes to self-care, carers are often the last to look after their own needs.

As carers, we must do some of the things we would do to care for others, for ourselves. Be kind and have empathy for yourself; it can help to reduce even the strongest symptoms of stress.

Self-compassion is being kind to yourself when you’re having a hard time or when you feel like you’ve failed.

You may have heard the saying, “We are our harshest critic.” Put simply, it is about treating yourself like you would treat a close friend.

Why does it matter?

Because self-compassion:

• lowers the chance of negative states of mind, like shame or anxiety
• helps us to increase positive states of mind, like feeling happy or hopeful
• activates the reward centre in our brain when we feel connected
• gives you the resources to be able to maintain close, positive relationships with others.

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How we think and feel will affect how we speak and behave. So, self-compassion is about being aware of our own pain. It is about understanding that this is a hard, but normal experience.

Empathy is the ability to share someone else's feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person's situation.

Empathy matters because it goes hand in hand with compassion - for yourself and for others.

Empathy helps us to understand how others are feeling so we can respond in a supportive way. Research has shown that greater empathy leads to more helping and less conflict.

You can help a young person practice empathy. Ask them what effect their choices might have on others.

For example: "If you decide to try smoking, how do you think I might feel?"

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When we try to imagine how other people are feeling, we listen deeply. We are better able to express how we feel without judging them or feeling judged ourselves.

It also helps us to ‘separate the person from their behaviour’. This can help reduce conflict and stigma. Try to think about why a young person might decide to use drugs: It's not because they’re trying to hurt you. It’s because the substance ‘does something’ for them; it has a purpose. Young people use drugs because they want to feel better or different.

When talking with the young person, try to separate their behaviour from who they are as a person. Ask yourself what might be leading them to make those choices and what they are trying to achieve.

Most of all: Love them for who they are, rather than what they do. It is the greatest gift any adult can give.

While conflict is a normal part of human relationships, it’s how you work through it that matters.

You can show young people empathy by focusing on their issues, staying calm and using helpful language. Showing them how you would like them to act is the best way to teach them the skill.

If you are in a discussion where everyone is starting to get upset, you can try:

• carefully listening to what the issue is and why they are upset
• repeating what they said back in their own words to show that you have been listening
• waiting until they have explained their feelings. Try not to guess
• looking each other in the eyes while talking. It can help you feel more connected
• nodding to show you're listening and when you understand
• saying supportive things. You could try something like "I can hear how hard that is for you, and that you don't want to try any more, but i'm glad you're talking to me about it."
• taking a break. Sometimes taking a few minutes to reset can be useful.

Many carers struggle to look after themselves. Sometimes it's because carers have very little time to spare. Sometimes, carers feel guilty about taking care of themselves, or think they are too busy.

It is important to remember: self care is health care. You deserve to be healthy and well.

Some tips that may help you to look after yourself:

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One thing that can really affect your mental health and the way you look after yourself is stigma.

'Stigma' is the disapproval of a person based on something that sets them apart from others. In the case of drug use, stigma is often caused by false beliefs about addiction.

When it comes to drug use, it is often due to untrue beliefs and thoughts about addiction. Some people might think that someone who uses drugs is dangerous, or not able to look after themselves. When other people express these sorts of beliefs, they can make others feel shame. This can make their problems with drugs worse and makes it harder to stop using drugs or seek treatment.

But people who use drugs aren't the only people who experience stigma. Carers can experience it too.

It could be that friends think badly of you because of what your family member is doing. Or maybe you hear what people say on TV about people who use drugs, and it feels bad. Or maybe other family members are acting poorly towards you or the person using drugs, and you are stuck in the middle.

Stigma is a real problem, and you don't have to go through it alone.

How to deal with it

We share and spread stigma with our words, body language and actions. We can start by thinking about the words we use when we talk about drugs and their effects. Our own words can change what other people say and think.

You can:

• use and share good information. This page is a great place to start.
• speak up if you hear, see, or read something that could cause someone to feel stigma. This might look like mean comments or untrue facts
• show compassion and support for people feeling the effects of drug use
• remember that stigma is not your fault. The things you hear may not be true. You know your own life better than anyone else.
• reach out for help.

Reaching out for help

The good news is that there are places that you can find support. The catch is that you must be willing to ask for it. Being aware of what supports you are able to access is important and helpful for a caring relationship... with yourself, and with others.

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You might need one or more of these types of help:

• emotional support
• physical or practical support (things like picking up groceries or cleaning around the house)
• help with money and bills
• opportunities for more education or learning
• respite care (short-term relief from your role as the primary carer)
• community support
• social support

Knowing where you can find help will help you manage the hardest parts of caring for a young person.

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Thankfully, there is lots of help available.

Take a peek at the Services and Helplines section of this page to get started!

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Research shows that carers who seek support:

• achieve better outcomes for children and young people in their care
• are able to keep up their role as carers for a longer time
• are less likely to have feelings of burnout.

It is helpful to build a network of people around you who can provide you with support. Try to take time out for yourself. Make sure that you move your body, eat well and make time for things that bring you joy. It will go a long way to make your time as a carer a little bit easier.

Remember: You deserve help and support just as much as anyone.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break and manage as best you can. That’s all anyone can do.

In this Conversation we learned:

• that caring is important, but also challenging
• that a young person's wellbeing can affect what caring feels like for us
• that we are better able to provide care when we are cared for ourselves
• why self compassion and empathy are important
• what we can do about conflict with a young person
• some tips for managing stress and looking after ourselves
• the challenge of stigma and what we can do about it